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The Late Late Show with Lestat
By Victoria Centanni w/ help from the ex-TVL Board Gang

This spec has the usual legal spiel. All the Vampires are characters from Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles and are property of Anne Rice and Knopf.

Don’t ask me where the Verve Pipe came from -- I couldn’t tell you.

The Late Late Show with the Vampire Lestat
by Victoria Centanni

ED the announcer: Live From New Orleans, it's the incredibly LATE LATE show with The Vampire Lestat....

(Lestat walks out and sits at a desk)

Lestat: Well, Bonsoir everyone! (Turns to band where Louis is sitting with a cello) So, Louis, how are you tonight?

Louis: Well, actually Lestat, I was wondering about that raise you promised me --

Lestat: Good, good. Ok, our first guest tonight is Khayman, but before we get to that, let's open up the New Orleans Mail Bag! (Armand brings Lestat a huge bag of mail. Lestat pulls out a letter.)

Ok, this one is from Jenny in Nowhere Town, USA. Jenny writes: "Dear Lestat, I love your show." (Looks at audience) Well, Jenny, I love you already! Then she goes on: "This letter is for the cello player, Louis." (Lestat flings letter behind him) Well, I think that's enough mail for now.

Louis: Lestat! That was my first letter!

(Armand is waving frantically)

Lestat: Louis stop your whining! My producer tells me it's time for commercial. We'll be back after this.

<Cut to commercial>

Lestat: Welcome back! (He goes on to babble about a couple of people he ran into on the way to the studio.)


Daniel: (knocking on dressing room door) Khayman! You’re on in two.

Khayman: (from inside dressing room) I can’t go on, I have an issue.

Daniel: (freaking out) An issue? Now!? But you’re *on*!

Khayman: I am *not* going on, and you cannot make me. . . tell Lestat something came up.

Daniel: (practically hyperventilating) But Lestat will fire me! My first job, and I’ve already screwed it up. (Paces back and forth) I can do this, I can do this! Oh, god, I can’t do this!!

<Lestat’s desk>

Lestat: Ok, now, I’d like to introduce our first guest, Khayman. (No one comes out). I *said* here’s our first guest, Khayman!

(Daniel runs out and to Armand. He whispers something in Armand’s ear. Armand’s eyes get wide)

Armand: He *what*? Why not?

Daniel: He won’t say!

(Armand runs up on stage to a confused Lestat.)

Armand: Khayman isn’t here yet, Lestat -- traffic.

Lestat: Oh, ok....well, then, let’s bring out our next guest, the beautiful man who played *me* in "Interview with the Vampire", Tom Cruise!

(Tom comes out and sits on the sofa)

Lestat: Welcome to the show, Tom.

Tom: I’m happy to be here. Actually, I was supposed to be on Rosie O’Donnell today, but thanks to your show I got out of it.

Louis: (slightly offended) You don’t like Rosie?

Tom: (turning to band) No, no, Rosie’s great. She just, well, obsesses.

(Louis nods in understanding)

Lestat: So, Tom, let’s show a clip from Interview with the Vampire, where you play *me*! I just love this movie!

<Show scene where Lestat and Louis fight over the poodles.>

<Back to Tom and Lestat>

Lestat: Now, as I understand, many people, including Anne Rice, did not want you to play me. Why do you think that is?

Tom: Well, I was told that is was my youth, that I couldn’t do a good job and I couldn’t understand who you were. But I think Anne Rice has been against since Top Gun.

Lestat: Well, you did a great job! Still, you’re not nearly as great as I am!

Armand: Stick to the cards, Lestat!

Tom:(confused) Um, thanks, I think....

Lestat: We’ll back after this...

ED the announcer: Still coming up, musical guest Nine Inch Nails. And, Lestat’s Top Ten List!


Lestat: I’d like to introduce our musical guest, The Nine Inch Nails.

(Daniel runs out and whispers to Lestat)

Lestat: Oh, apparently, the Nine Inch Nails couldn’t make, (to Daniel) who do we have instead?

Daniel: Um, Please Welcome, The Verve Pipe!

Lestat: Are you crazy??? The Verve Pipe?

Armand: (gives Lestat an evil eye) Shhh!

Lestat: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Verve Pipe---and stop grinning Louis!

<Verve Pipe sings "The Freshmen" then they all sit on the couch>

Lestat: Louis has asked if he could interview our musical guest tonight. Normally, I would say ‘no’. But I have no idea what to say to the Verve Pipe, so here’s my friend, Louis.

Louis: (takes Lestat’s seat at the desk) Welcome to the show. (The band nods). I really like the song you just played. It’s depressing...

Brian VanderArk: I wrote it when I was going through a really depressing time.

Louis: yes, I know how that is.

(There is a moment of silence in which Brian and Louis seem to understand each other)

Lestat: ok! We’d better say goodbye to The Verve Pipe, or we’ll apt to put all our viewers to sleep.

Brian: Thank you for having us on your show.

Lestat: It was an accident, I assure you.

(The Verve Pipe walks away, and Louis stays seating watching them.)

Lestat (clears his throat): Louis, do you mind?

Louis: OH! (Jumps up and returns to his cello)

Lestat: (sits down) It’s time for today’s top ten list.


The Top Ten Most Annoying things my victims have said or done to me.

#10. Made fun of my velvet suit.

#9. Said, "Ha, ha! The Vampire Lestat! Good one!" before I bit their necks.

#8. Stepped on my feet.

#7. Stolen my sunglasses...and made me chase after them.

#6. Spray painted: "New Orleans Rebel" on my car.

#5. Died before I could bite their neck.

#4. Lied to me about being a photographer and asking for me to come to the their studio.

#3. Mugged me.

#2. Written specs about me doing the late show. (Clears throat)

And the #1 most annoying thing a victim has done to me:

Came back to life and talked to me in a Café!

(Applause from audience)

Armand (whispers): Wrap it up.

Lestat: Ok, now let’s open another letter--

(Armand writes "END THE SHOW" on a cue card and waves it frantically.)

Lestat: Mary from Drummingham asks, "What shampoo do you use?" Well, Mary, I use only the finest--

Louis: Lestat, I think Armand wants you to--

Lestat: Louis, don’t interrupt. Now, as I was saying, I usually use--

Armand: Lestat! End the show for God’s Sake! We’re out of time!

Lestat: (to Louis) Why didn’t you say something?

Louis: I give up!

Lestat: well, I guess we’re out of time for tonight. Au revior everyone!

Ed the announcer: Tune in tomorrow for Strip Jeopardy