The Late Late Show with
By Victoria Centanni w/ help from the ex-TVL Board Gang
This spec has the usual legal spiel. All the Vampires are characters from Anne Rices Vampire Chronicles and are property of Anne Rice and Knopf.
Dont ask me where the Verve Pipe came from -- I couldnt tell you.
The Late Late Show with the Vampire Lestat
by Victoria Centanni
ED the announcer: Live From New Orleans, it's the incredibly LATE LATE show with The Vampire Lestat....
(Lestat walks out and sits at a desk)
Lestat: Well, Bonsoir everyone! (Turns to band where Louis is sitting with a cello) So, Louis, how are you tonight?
Louis: Well, actually Lestat, I was wondering about that raise you promised me --
Lestat: Good, good. Ok, our first guest tonight is Khayman, but before we get to that, let's open up the New Orleans Mail Bag! (Armand brings Lestat a huge bag of mail. Lestat pulls out a letter.)
Ok, this one is from Jenny in Nowhere Town, USA. Jenny writes: "Dear Lestat, I love your show." (Looks at audience) Well, Jenny, I love you already! Then she goes on: "This letter is for the cello player, Louis." (Lestat flings letter behind him) Well, I think that's enough mail for now.
Louis: Lestat! That was my first letter!
(Armand is waving frantically)
Lestat: Louis stop your whining! My producer tells me it's time for commercial. We'll be back after this.
<Cut to commercial>
Lestat: Welcome back! (He goes on to babble about a couple of people he ran into on the way to the studio.)
Daniel: (knocking on dressing room door) Khayman! Youre on in two.
Khayman: (from inside dressing room) I cant go on, I have an issue.
Daniel: (freaking out) An issue? Now!? But youre *on*!
Khayman: I am *not* going on, and you cannot make me. . . tell Lestat something came up.
Daniel: (practically hyperventilating) But Lestat will fire me! My first job, and Ive already screwed it up. (Paces back and forth) I can do this, I can do this! Oh, god, I cant do this!!
Lestat: Ok, now, Id like to introduce our first guest, Khayman. (No one comes out). I *said* heres our first guest, Khayman!
(Daniel runs out and to Armand. He whispers something in Armands ear. Armands eyes get wide)
Armand: He *what*? Why not?
Daniel: He wont say!
(Armand runs up on stage to a confused Lestat.)
Armand: Khayman isnt here yet, Lestat -- traffic.
Lestat: Oh, ok....well, then, lets bring out our next guest, the beautiful man who played *me* in "Interview with the Vampire", Tom Cruise!
(Tom comes out and sits on the sofa)
Lestat: Welcome to the show, Tom.
Tom: Im happy to be here. Actually, I was supposed to be on Rosie ODonnell today, but thanks to your show I got out of it.
Louis: (slightly offended) You dont like Rosie?
Tom: (turning to band) No, no, Rosies great. She just, well, obsesses.
(Louis nods in understanding)
Lestat: So, Tom, lets show a clip from Interview with the Vampire, where you play *me*! I just love this movie!
<Show scene where Lestat and Louis fight over the poodles.>
<Back to Tom and Lestat>
Lestat: Now, as I understand, many people, including Anne Rice, did not want you to play me. Why do you think that is?
Tom: Well, I was told that is was my youth, that I couldnt do a good job and I couldnt understand who you were. But I think Anne Rice has been against since Top Gun.
Lestat: Well, you did a great job! Still, youre not nearly as great as I am!
Armand: Stick to the cards, Lestat!
Tom:(confused) Um, thanks, I think....
Lestat: Well back after this...
ED the announcer: Still coming up, musical guest Nine Inch Nails. And, Lestats Top Ten List!
Lestat: Id like to introduce our musical guest, The Nine Inch Nails.
(Daniel runs out and whispers to Lestat)
Lestat: Oh, apparently, the Nine Inch Nails couldnt make it...so, (to Daniel) who do we have instead?
Daniel: Um, Please Welcome, The Verve Pipe!
Lestat: Are you crazy??? The Verve Pipe?
Armand: (gives Lestat an evil eye) Shhh!
Lestat: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Verve Pipe---and stop grinning Louis!
<Verve Pipe sings "The Freshmen" then they all sit on the couch>
Lestat: Louis has asked if he could interview our musical guest tonight. Normally, I would say no. But I have no idea what to say to the Verve Pipe, so heres my friend, Louis.
Louis: (takes Lestats seat at the desk) Welcome to the show. (The band nods). I really like the song you just played. Its depressing...
Brian VanderArk: I wrote it when I was going through a really depressing time.
Louis: yes, I know how that is.
(There is a moment of silence in which Brian and Louis seem to understand each other)
Lestat: ok! Wed better say goodbye to The Verve Pipe, or well apt to put all our viewers to sleep.
Brian: Thank you for having us on your show.
Lestat: It was an accident, I assure you.
(The Verve Pipe walks away, and Louis stays seating watching them.)
Lestat (clears his throat): Louis, do you mind?
Louis: OH! (Jumps up and returns to his cello)
Lestat: (sits down) Its time for todays top ten list.
The Top Ten Most Annoying things my victims have said or done to me.
#10. Made fun of my velvet suit.
#9. Said, "Ha, ha! The Vampire Lestat! Good one!" before I bit their necks.
#8. Stepped on my feet.
#7. Stolen my sunglasses...and made me chase after them.
#6. Spray painted: "New Orleans Rebel" on my car.
#5. Died before I could bite their neck.
#4. Lied to me about being a photographer and asking for me to come to the their studio.
#3. Mugged me.
#2. Written specs about me doing the late show. (Clears throat)
And the #1 most annoying thing a victim has done to me:
Came back to life and talked to me in a Café!
(Applause from audience)
Armand (whispers): Wrap it up.
Lestat: Ok, now lets open another letter--
(Armand writes "END THE SHOW" on a cue card and waves it frantically.)
Lestat: Mary from Drummingham asks, "What shampoo do you use?" Well, Mary, I use only the finest--
Louis: Lestat, I think Armand wants you to--
Lestat: Louis, dont interrupt. Now, as I was saying, I usually use--
Armand: Lestat! End the show for Gods Sake! Were out of time!
Lestat: (to Louis) Why didnt you say something?
Louis: I give up!
Lestat: well, I guess were out of time for tonight. Au revior everyone!
Ed the announcer: Tune in tomorrow for Strip Jeopardy