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Today's Victim:

Mystery Science Theater Des Vampyres 3000
this issue by Vic Centanni

This flame is in reference to Page 22 of the Lestatheist pages, about a personal experience I had and am through with.


LESTAT: *I* don't know this girl. *I* have nothing to do with this, and I would much prefer to keep it that way.

LOUIS: Look, Lestat, we all have better things to do, but I did promise to take care of this one flamer....

ARMAND: I told you, I'm *NOT* a flamer... err... oh. You meant the girl... um.. nevermind.

DANIEL: And they call me an alcoholic.

LOUIS: Let's just do our civic duty and--

DANIEL: VOTE! It's March 7th in California, where the primaries are taking place....

LESTAT: So what is the material for tonight's torture?

ARMAND: Looks like a flame from some self-righteous know-it-all. You know, the usual.

LOUIS: I can't help it. I promised Vic we'd take care of flames from now on, or she threatened to shut down the church. And God knows Monsieur Le Brat would have a fit if people stopped officially worshipping him.

LESTAT: Oh, for heaven's sake! If Louis insists we go through this, then let's get it over with! Wait... she threatened to take down the church?! How dare--

ARMAND: Let the good times roll.

DANIEL: Armand, uh.. nevermind.


LOUIS: Intelligence clearly surpasses my own.

>story about your friend

DANIEL: Makes me jealous cause I don't even have that much.

>and the problems with A

DANIEL: are brought to you by the letters "P" and "U".



ARMAND: is a great way to spice up your relationship.

>are totally unfathomable.

LESTAT: So she either doubts the entire thing even happened or she can't concentrate hard enough to understand it.

LOUIS: Or Vic was just very incoherent.

DANIEL: Maybe Miss Hollywood is a little tipsy.

>I believe that you are only jealous

ARMAND: I suppose that's fair. We believe that you are only ignorant.

LOUIS: Also, I believe that some people should not have access to the internet under any circumstances.

LESTAT: I believe I have better things to do that flame some girl with too much time on her hands.

DANIEL: I believe that the best Stan Rice poem is "Tragic Rabbit."

ARMAND: Don't start, Daniel.

>and you yourself had a crush on this guy.

DANIEL: And the fact that she could tell that much from a webpage is amazing! She must be psychic.

LOUIS: Or wrong.

>By writing

LESTAT: I hope to prove I mean something in this lousy internet world by making sure you realize I'm better than you. Thanks for your time.

>what you wrote and how you would like to have his friendship back just isn't going to work by dissing on his friends

ARMAND: Who said that it would? But insulting obviously ignorant people whom one does not like seems quite appropriate.

LOUIS: Read that sentence carefully five times. Tell me if it makes sense, because to me, it appears to be babble.

DANIEL: Flamers who made sense would take the fun out of our ridicule.


DANIEL: that I was born. Sorry that my parents smoked during my childhood. Sorry my uncle used to beat me over the head with a blunt object every now and then....

LESTAT: Trust me, that's not enough!

>. I think

ALL: <Burst out laughing>

ARMAND: Honestly, she can't expect us to believe *that*? After she said...<starts laughing so hard his words are undecipherable>.

>that if you would make yourself so miserable, then you wouldn't be miserable.

LOUIS: It's my understanding that miserable people are not always so by their own hand.

LESTAT: I'm surprised you could use the word "understanding" in a sentence relating to this girl.

DANIEL: Wait... if I would make myself so miserable, then I wouldn't be miserable. Huh? I'm confused!

>If you'd talk to people

ARMAND: rather than to those damn fish who never respond!

>and not be such a psycho

LESTAT: *ahem* I don't think she should be calling anyone a psycho.

>then maybe people would respect and like you more

DANIEL: Conform now and get popular! With our home programs, it's easy to become a cheerleader, a skater, or a member of a number of fun stereotyped groups so that you can fit in!

ARMAND: I always thought the more you spoke, the more likely you were to get into trouble. MissHollywood is a prime example of why opening one's mouth (or typing, in this case) may not always be the best option.

>and you'd actually get to know people.

LESTAT: And she would want to do this for what reason?

ARMAND: You're judged by your friends, of course. I wonder what that says about me?

LOUIS: In order for friendships to develop, there have to be people who aren't superficial involved. And this a high school, correct? I believe I've made my point.

>I think

ARMAND: Our faith in that statement is slowly dwindeling.

>that your just afraid

LOUIS: Of apostrophes.

>, and if this whole time you disliked these people

DANIEL: as much as you must dislike me and my two cents,

>that your guy friend

LESTAT: She insists on mention that this friend was a guy. She's obsessed with that detail, isn't she?

ARMAND: She's convinced that makes a difference. *sigh*

>was hanging around, why didnt

LOUIS: I am just going to assume she's purposely leaving out punctuation to annoy me.

DANIEL: You know what they say. Assuming makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

>you just say something

LESTAT: Why don't you do the opposite and save us all the tedium of reading it?

>rather than keeping it all locked up,

DANIEL: Quick, call Stephen King! "It" escaped again!

ARMAND: <smack>

DANIEL: Ouch! What--?

>do you like that depressing feeling!

LOUIS: Do you know what a question mark is and why it's different than an exclaimation point?


LESTAT: Not capable of using basic English. Go back to Junior High and write back when you learn how to use common sense.

>not much of a friend

ARMAND: I believe she's beginning to understand that they're not friends anymore.

DANIEL: Took her long enough.

>if you talk about his freinds that way.

DANIEL: I wonder what "freinds" are.

ARMAND: You don't think she's refering to his--

LOUIS: Armand! Not everything is relating to sex, you know.

>Your just a self centered,

LESTAT: Amazing. She was able to use a past-tense adjective as a noun.

LOUIS: And she still forgot the apostrophe.

>please pitty you,

ALL: No, really, that's quite all right!

>depressed, gothic bitch.

LESTAT: On that note...

LOUIS: Not so fast, Lestat.

ARMAND: She's never read the Lestatheist pages if she's calling Vic gothic.

DANIEL: Oh, not bitch! Don't say that. I feel so threatened now!

LESTAT: Please, Louis....

LOUIS: Okay, we're officially finished.

ARMAND: Good night!